EDS

For those of you who didn't know I have a rare syndrome that is called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome or EDS for short. To help my friends understand what I go through with this syndrome I want to explain it to you.

1. "double jointed" This is a word I hear all too much and it has been a huge part of my life. Growing up I thought I was just flexible however this is not the case. My collagen does not work right in my body and allows my joints to stretch past their limits.

2. pain. My joints not only hyper extend but they often pop out of place. I don't need to go to the hospital for this as I can pop them right back in. I get muscle spasms and chronic pain from these experiences. I also bruise really easy but no I am not anorexic. Just EDS. Migraines are also a thing I go through due to the muscle spasms in my neck and all that.

3. Exhaustion. If I get up too quickly all the blood will pool in my legs for a good couple second to a minute. This causes everything in my vision to just kind of go black even though it isn't really visible or noticeable unless you are me. This pooling also causes me to tire more easily as my heart has to work super hard and low blood pressure can keep me from going for too long. I sleep a bunch and when I am not sleeping I am pretty tired or at least my body is. Adrenaline will kick into high gear at night and cause crazy insomnia sometimes waking me with my heart racing. During the day it is super low which is another reason I get so tired.

4. My face. Sometimes EDS is a blessing as well as a curse. My skin is super soft and i have big eyes and a skinny nose. On the other hand My skin doesn't heal easily so cuts and bruises last forever. My eyes have a bluish tint where they are supposed to be white and my vision sucks. I am very near sided as my eyes aren't held in properly.

5. My voice. Also a double edged sword, I have a crazy incredible vocal range but then again if I stretch my vocal chords too much I could go permanently hoarse.

6. My life. I have to make a lot of changes because of this syndrome that I had no idea about. The disease is so new and rare that most doctors won't recognize it as they never learned about it. I have to find a specialist to handle my changing body. When I am older I also should avoid having children as it could worsen my condition and give a worsened version to my kids. Eventually depending on how bad I get a wheelchair could become my personal mode of transportation. Laundry and tasks that require me to stand for long periods of time is really difficult for me. Of course I won't let EDS stop me but it is so important that I and those around me understand my limitations.

This is a new discovery that is hard for me to go through but I am glad I know. I can finally get treatment for things that have plagued me. Though there is no cure splints and braces help the pain and now I know to get them.

Vegan

After visiting a world conscious friend and watching countless netflix documentaries I feel veganism is a decent idea. Not only does this lifestyle help animals, but workers and myself as well. Of course animals will not lose their lives for my plate but the farmers who are harmed by the antibiotics fed to their animals are helped too. As more meat is removed from someones diet their chance of heart problems and cancer also plummets. It just makes sense. After going vegan for three weeks the cravings for meat and animal products decreases and plants fill their place. Though overwhelming at first this choice is not so bad at all in fact all of the nutrients we need are given more freely. Who knew potatoes and broccoli had protein? It is certainly not something they tell you at school.

If anyone wants some tips and tricks for getting past the hardest days I have thought of a list for you to get you started.

1. Target is your new best friend. While many stores do not offer vegan products in their frozen section, Target has loads of options and a little section in the freezer aisle for those of us living 30 minutes from a whole foods.

2. Mistakes are normal. If you like I do live with other people it can be hard to plan your own meals and remember to check the labels. If you do make a mistake don't give up as no one is perfect especially at the beginning.

3. Get lazy vegan foods. If your mom does your shopping ask for those frozen vegetables you can microwave and eat in five minutes. Not every meal has to be gourmet and take an hour or more to make. Personally I don't have time or space for cooking my own tofu so these vegetables and canned beans are the bomb.

4. Have an array of portable snack food. When all of your friends want to go out for burger king or olive garden you have your pack of salted edamame and a bag of raisins to hold you over. It is far easier to not eat meat if you carry around other options. Even shakes are good really.

5. Make a small list of the reasons you want to go vegan. This will help you when you are seconds away from having a slice of turkey with your family on thanksgiving. For me veganism is what I want because cancer and heart disease run in my family so lowering the chances is a bonus. Saving animals and helping small businesses and pretty much saving the world is also pretty dang cool.

Health

Recently I returned from an enlightening trip to my best friend's home in Abilene Texas. While I was there several things became noticeable. Her home is incredibly clean thanks to the small bits of time she regularly uses to tend to it. While there I drank mostly soda and ate mostly fast food due to both of our budgets. Somehow my acne completely cleared and my sleep patterns returned to normal. The aches and pains in my body including migraines and chronic depression vanished. 

On arriving home after this two week break my face instantly broke out, my sleeping patterns went down the drain, and my depression skyrocketed. These things were not anticipated by me rather I was ready to be with family and pets after being gone. The reality I faced was much more grim. My parents were fighting over little things. My father bothered me about my period as if it were something disgusting and unnatural. My brother begged me for help studying as my parents neglected his needs. I was further reminded that I was the screw up of the family, the one who took a semester out of college to figure out my goals to find that jobs are nearly impossible to find and colleges are difficult to apply to when you have never been taught yet need to do these things on your own. I thought my acne disappeared because of the dry Abilene weather but now that looks doubtful. 

How do you escape disabling stress when the cause is the people who support you? Other than seeking professional help alone or leaving these people there really is no other way. The state many people live in is similar if not worse and this is doubled by dietary issues and work stress. People do not eat the way they should, act the way they should, or take care of their priorities properly. I think back to the story of Cinderella. Growing up I thought she was so stupid to serve them instead of leaving but I get it now. Living in a society where people without a degree cannot afford to leave home and are often forced to live with a toxic family makes sense to me now like never before. No is never a no in these families and each child is expected to drop everything just to be considered a failure in the parents eyes. 

To cope I came up with a few tips for anyone who wants them. Firstly say no to ridiculous demands and chores. It is insane to think that a child is expected to do all of the family laundry and dishes while going to school and supporting a parents business along with other responsibilities while parents go to fun self help classes and work only. Secondly politely ask not to hear about financial and family problems. A kid cannot be expected to be healthy when they are their parents therapist especially if the parents complain about other children to them. This is so unhealthy for the youth of a family and should be eliminated at all costs. Third save up any money to leave without telling the parents or guardians. If you have parents like mine they will rob you for every cent you have if you let them. These parents pay the bare minimum while you are expected to provide food, toiletries, and clothing for yourself and them on a regular basis. Letting them know you are saving money to leave will alert them to the fact that their work slave and therapist is trying to leave. A thought they most probably will despise. 

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. No christian family should have these problems and they are a sign of disfunction. The fruits of the spirit should be present in a family structure not the other way around.

Storybook

I think a lot about what my story will be. Everyone has one yet finding it can be really difficult. The kind of story you want to tell your children when you have them is the story I mean. With every day you are in fact a writer so then which story do we tell? It can be a story of overcoming life's obstacles or one of defeat giving up dreams and opportunities through your life. This last year has been really difficult for me. I've had a friend pass on and a relationship that meant a lot to me end. I quit college for a semester and spent time dealing with crippling anorexia and depression. After all of this I can't help but feel that God has more for me than hurt and sadness. He has saved my life on more than one occasion and in more than one way but why. I have little to offer. I have no money to give to the poor,  no degree to help people with through a job, and I have no one to support or support me. What can I do is a question I ask myself daily. The thing is God uses the least likely of people. Moses was no public speaker and he lead God's people through the desert. Joseph was the youngest kid and after becoming a jailbird and a slave he was put second in command of Egypt. David, Mary, Ruth, Paul, and countless others were chosen out of some misfortune or odd circumstance. In the story planned for me I can't help but feel that God will overcome my dragons. Even though I can't fight circumstances on my own God slays them in my place for His will. What better knight is there than God. That is the story I want my kids to hear. Not one of my own victories but the one of God in my life. Nothing else is really important.

Autumn!!!

I swear every time the wind blows I feel the need to get spooky. Fall has never been my favorite season but this year I am absolutely psyched to get the leaves off the trees. After many trips to target I have turned my room into an autumn wonderland. I literally bought leaves to throw around my bedroom. So I thought I would list some fall essentials for anyone who is as excited for this season as me.


One of the best things I did was fill mason jars my mom had with potpourri.  It smells amazing and looks incredibly tumblr-esk. Besides potpourri is super cheap and you can use decorative bowls or plates too. It's just really nice and pinecones look like fall. Mine also has sparkly mini pumpkins in it.

The second thing I've been loving for autumn is my marshmallow fireside candle from Bath and Body Works. It smells so good and the throw is awesome. I can literally smell it thirty feet away in a different room. It by far is not the only candle of mine from there as I have six not including wall scents and room sprays from there. There is just something about burning a candle that makes me feel like cold weather has arrived.

Lastly I bought some fall throw pillows. One is just a navy gingham print and it is actually so soft and my favorite. The second one says hello fall in gold and navy on a kind of canvas base still soft but not as much. They were both on sale for five dollars each with is a crazy good deal. They really tie the whole room together and are nice to watch videos and write on.

All of these things among many many others are the things that really remind me of autumn. All of this is despite the 100 degree heat with a slight breeze every couple of days. Anyways happy fall :)

A Job Title

Recently I have really been struggling with something. If God gave me all these spiritual gifts then what am I supposed to do with them. Isn't there some way to incorporate all my gifts into the workplace? I don't want to screw up getting a teaching degree just to find myself trying for medicine next. This has always been a problem for me you see growing up I changed my mind regularly on what I might be when I grew up. The possibilities then seemed endless whereas now I know how much time and effort that I won't enjoy goes into each job. Getting a college degree is expensive and jobs like lawyer and nurse are quickly becoming expensive. Growing up all I could see myself doing was getting married, keeping up the home, and having children of my own one day. That seemed like a dream come true but I quickly learned that society today has no place for a domestic woman. If I wanted to succeed in this world I would need a degree and a high paying job.

I am no good at math so that basically counts out all science and math degrees. English and History are something I loved as a kid but as an adult I struggle with writing long papers and history pays next to nothing. There isn't much left for a girl who only really likes fashion and interior design mixed with child rearing and theoretical physics. Nothing would feel right for me if I can't use my creative style as well as my intellect. So where does God want me? Why is this so hard for me to figure out when I have so many God given talents?

In the garden of eden God gave Adam a specific job. He was to name and care for the animals and plants. He was presumably pretty awesome at his job too especially without sin in the world. Eve was made to keep him company and assist him in his work. He trusted her very much and the garden was kept up. They were happy in the world God made for them.

In our time with all the sin in the world its no wonder we can't figure out what to do. With the end of that goodness in eden we are unable to see a world without sin. In God's plan each one of us does have a specific job. One that we will do incredibly well in His perfect heaven. Until then I suppose we have to wait. Finding a perfect job will nearly never happen as something in this world will always keep us wanting more, however fulfilling God's purpose for our lives is something we can do. He calls each one of us to spread His love and truth to this world. It is something he gave us gifts to help us along the way. Not only are these gifts a mix of superpowers specific to each person but they are something that He gives with time and prayer. We are able to cast out demons in His name and perform miracles to please God. The gifts He gives may be more specific in some than others, but each serves its purpose. To the people who knew what they wanted to be from a young age it may just be that their gift is so strong in them that the others seem nonexistent. They knew that their gift of teaching or nursing or whatever would guide them on God's path one day. For everyone else, your specific gifts are made to fill a need that someone without those many insights could do alone. Someone with creativity and leadership may guide someone with leadership only to follow a straighter path than they could alone.

God has purpose for us all and it will be shown in His time if we glorify Him along the way trusting that His will is the best thing there is.

Therapy!!!

So today was my second day of therapy. It sucked. Not like it was too much I don't know maybe I don't get along with her I can't tell. I got in there and we talked about how college classes nowadays were far too hard for kids. For an hour. If I wanted to pay to talk about school I would do it on here for free. No something must be wrong with me. Why am I just sad all the time. Is everyone just this sad as an adult and I am just handling it like a pansy. ARE WE ALL THIS SAD? There has GOT to be a reason I am not mad at my ex at all. He only stole my virginity and left after intending to do that since the moment he met me. Actually not mad more like hope he has a good life hope he starts going to church and seeing his friends more... Why? Tell me therapist is this something deeply rooted in my childhood that I can fix with intent and understanding? Being on anti-depressants helps but I can feel myself being sad under the anti-depressant covers. Like being inside in a bathroom with no windows and hearing rain outside. Still upset just happy about it. I guess. Depression is weird like why did I have to go through a twelve year old awkward goth phase where I cried myself to sleep every night to evanescence but twelve year olds now look like they are twenty five with their makeup and fashionable clothes and hair extensions. I don't even look nineteen and I am that old. Are they just the next stage of humans who don't get depressed because they will never be ugly? Thats the real reason I am in therapy I need my questions answered.