My Own Advice

I remember watching Alice In Wonderland as a kid thinking 'what an idiot if she has good advice why is she following a random white rabbit into the unknown when she has a family and a life to attend to she got herself into this mess I'll never be like that!' however, that is indeed what I have done. My best friend knows exactly what I am referring to or rather who because i have told her. To get the whole painting I will start at the beginning.

The reason
Abusive relationships are something I have always tolerated though I just recently understood that and why. Now I will be the first to say that self harm is ridiculous and it is an attention issue but putting two and two together in my own life took some time. I don't cut but you can hurt yourself mentally without razors. As a kid my first friend was a boy who lived across the street. He was two years older and I was three so he was a little big headed. He would tell me to sit and watch him so unknowingly I did as I was told because I didn't mind and it made him happy. I didn't have any sort of crush on him we were just friends but this behavior set up for some bad habits. He moved away and went to public school. I remember staring outside my front window at his house and being really depressed as a four year old which is crazy as i was so little. 

Later on
There was a kid in my sixth grade class, Nick. I didn't pay mind to him but I was really unpopular for whatever reason and had few friends and no love relationships which at this early middle school time I wanted more than anything. He sat next to me and would just verbally attack me but everyone else ignored me and I considered him an eccentric friend. It got worse though as he started to hit me with hard back books. There wasn't any damage more than the occasional bruise on the roof of my head but I developed the most insane crush on him despite his deplorable mannerisms and his general mediocre looks. Just because he payed attention to me. Since then that is what I subconsciously look for in guys and sometimes friends as my other friends bullied me a lot. 

Now
I learned this technique to help me get over things like unrequited crushes which I call reflection. It works like this to stop obsessing about one guy I reflect the feelings toward them on another guy and the cycle repeats though it takes a long time sometimes years. This really does work but the problem is every new person comes with separate feelings along with the ones added from the last person/s so it ends up building until it is very difficult to leave. Thats one half of the problem currently the other is the attention thing. Now I have healed from the bullying and it really was not that bad considering what others have been through but it still affects me. The last/current guy who will remain unnamed will never feel the same way as I do and he has flaws I am sure though none of them bother me rather they are the traits I love about him. The degrading things he says and his manipulative way of getting literally whatever he wants I find so amazing like they are talents or something. He has used and abused me at least mentally with his constant mind games and forcing the conformity of his pack of women he hangs out with non romantically. To be in the group which I was for a short time you have to dress, act, and like what they see fit and go through humiliating tests to be near him at all. I did everything and gave up innocence I now wish I hadn't to him. All because I didn't mind if it made him happy. That is the key. At the top I said about my childhood 'I didn't mind and it made him happy' now 'I didn't mind because it made him happy' those are very different though they look very similar. I worked so hard for him just so he would confirm I was in some way special to him when all that matters is that I am special to God and myself by extension. 

As for the advice
I would have told a friend having this problem 'he is not worth your time. he is a rat, no a flee on a rat, worse than that he is an amoeba on a flee on a rat. He is too low for even the dogs to bite. You are amazing and you need to get over this so you can have what you are worth'. I did not take my own advice like Alice and now I wish I had. So to get over it I will remember to be my own best friend just as anyone reading this should remember. Give yourself the advice you would give your friends if they asked because you know you better than anyone else. Thats all for now as it is 5:30 AM and my insomnia over this amoeba is slowing down so good night.