Spiritual Rape

This topic is something that most people don't realize is even happening. I don't really know if God has just given me a special insight to see the spiritual quality of other people and that of myself but I know it isn't something that is just me. Even as a kid I felt a bad sort of gut feeling I couldn't explain when the new pastor arrived at our church. We don't go there anymore as he kicked us out after preaching the Bible falsely. God really looks out for us that way I guess always letting us know when things are about to go sour.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up and at the time I didn't really see all that had happened but it actually helps me a lot and if anyone else is going through something I pray it helps you. You see we hadn't been fighting. The only thing we fought about was going to church which I know should have been an alarm in my head but I believed that I should be able to bring him closer to God by showing him God's love. Thats what I did since before we started dating to far after the breakup but there was one problem. The problem was my pride. The idea that it was my job to save him was an issue because thats God's job not mine I only felt obligated because we weren't as equally yolked as we should have been. Sure he believes in God but he doesn't follow Him and it isn't up to me to change that. Because of these thoughts I really drew away from church. I felt like if I couldn't save him then God really wouldn't use me or that maybe He was just done with me. I am only eighteen obviously that is not true.

There was also one other night when we were outside my house talking and I was begging him to go to church with me even though I knew he hated it. He just kept changing the subject and I don't remember the words exactly but something he said came across in such a hurtful and humanistic manner. He wouldn't go for me or anyone else not even for God because he was more important to himself. I guess I looked pretty upset but the look on his face was just wrong. When he reached out to console me I couldn't even let him near me. I really felt an evil presence that night and since that night we had serious problems until the end of our relationship.

A few nights before the breakup I dreamt of us breaking up and I woke up in tears. It may have just been fear but it felt prophetic to me. God knows us better than we know ourselves and for each minute I truly believe He was telling me not to go any further because I needed to guard more than my heart I need to guard my spirit too. Spiritual rape is a term I use that means we didn't choose it. In the garden Eve chose the apple. She chose to have the knowledge that she didn't really want thrust upon her. Spiritual rape is different. It hurts you in a way that sin can't. It happens when people you put time and care and all of your heart into are constantly being influenced by satan and you always get the brunt of it. It comes in a moment when you feel your heart sink and your stomach cave in. You don't feel safe you feel instead terrified and far from God at least for a second. You know Satan's game he wants you to give in and say you are sorry for being a dedicated Christian and serving God. He wants you to deny Christ. Spiritual rape is when you should have sinned but you didn't though that doesn't make you feel better because you will always remember that feeling of deep betrayal from someone you thought you could trust. A pastor. A boyfriend. A parent. A sibling. A friend. My mom is going through it now with my grandmother's alzheimer's. She swears at my mom and curses her name accusing her of all sorts of atrocities while my mom sits there and takes it. Everyone in my close family feels she is possessed. When we visit her and she is normal her voice is high pitched and she is very talkative. When she is what we can only explain as possessed her voice is deep, she swears like a sailor, she knows things she should't, and it takes five male nurses to hold a small old lady down for sedation. Maybe it's medical but my parents fight when she calls. She calls at odd times like right before a busy or important day at work for my mom. Spiritual rape is something that I think tests us all maybe some more than others but God carries us and keeps us safe through it all. When I look back at my relationships and my sins because of them I think why did I ever want the apple when I could have had the garden. How selfish of me. God wants me anyway. That always helps me no matter how far I have fallen down He is always there to pick me back up and put me back together again.