So valentines day happened and I still hate valentines day. However I decided that instead of being depressed over the boyfriend I don't really want i would give myself a valentine every day until next year. Next February 14th I'll sit down and read them. Not that I would know but having a boy toy seems pretty exhausting. You have to pay attention to them whenever they need you which is all the time because boys are so needy and aside from that you have to trust they will be there when you need them with everything you need to get through all of life's hard situations. With college coming up who has time to feel sorry for themselves over a boy who won't ever stick with them. I have bigger plans besides I would never have my friends settle for less than their perfect so why should I?
As a kid I wanted a red and gold wedding outside in an orchard during the summer. I imagined myself with five very different children and two dogs. I wanted a house on cheap property that was old and worn down just so I could fix it up for my family. It was made to fit everyone with five bedrooms and a pool in the backyard. I wanted a job that let me be at home a lot so my kids would never miss a meal. I wanted a garden to feed them with. The kids have been named since I was twelve and now at seventeen I haven't changed them. While wanting this secure loving environment I wanted to change the world for the better not with small changes but big ones. I wanted to be president or senator or a government lawyer.
If I want all this how could my vision get so jaded as to think my standards ought to be lowered because of a boy who cares about me so much less than I care about him. So from now on I'll be my own valentine. I'll buy myself chocolate and flowers thanks.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Language of Love
Today at lunch My friend showed another friend this thing she was doing for a class. It was a language of love test and I wanted to take it so I did despite her unreasonable protest. My highest two scores to her surprise were physical contact and words of affirmation. If you know me I tend to be the person who hates physical contact and on account of my never having a boyfriend I really don't tend to come off as a person who would score a nine in that category. After briefly thinking about it I knew why I had scored what I did and explained it to her.
First physical contact. I do not like to be touched and in the hallways if I can avoid the crowds I absolutely will however, I VALUE it the most. This doesn't mean I only care about physical contact in a relationship rather I value it more because I allow it less. Bad physical contact really makes me angry while a hug when I am struggling with something really does make me feel better and that means a LOT to me.
Words of affirmation are something that as an older sibling I feel really deprived of. When I was little my parents put so much pressure on me to be perfect and because they care so much they focused on my defects in hopes of correcting them instead of encouraging me in the way I needed. This is true today. If in guard for example my director is complimenting everyone but me on the choreography I tend to disconnect and give less than my best because what is the point really. When friends of mine criticize my work in our show I don't get offended but it really does mean a lot so I become discouraged. Maybe I just overanalyze things but THAT really bothers me. So words of affirmation because I care that my loved ones view me with the same respect that I view them.
The topic really is interesting and I had a few of my friends take the quiz along with the two I mentioned earlier to be able to better understand them. Most of them got quality time which makes sense because they tend to want to go places and do things with their friends all the time. The others got words of affirmation which is nice to know just because I really could work on complimenting them more in general especially if I see they are having a bad day. If anyone wants to take this google 5 languages of love test and it should be one of the first things to pop up.
First physical contact. I do not like to be touched and in the hallways if I can avoid the crowds I absolutely will however, I VALUE it the most. This doesn't mean I only care about physical contact in a relationship rather I value it more because I allow it less. Bad physical contact really makes me angry while a hug when I am struggling with something really does make me feel better and that means a LOT to me.
Words of affirmation are something that as an older sibling I feel really deprived of. When I was little my parents put so much pressure on me to be perfect and because they care so much they focused on my defects in hopes of correcting them instead of encouraging me in the way I needed. This is true today. If in guard for example my director is complimenting everyone but me on the choreography I tend to disconnect and give less than my best because what is the point really. When friends of mine criticize my work in our show I don't get offended but it really does mean a lot so I become discouraged. Maybe I just overanalyze things but THAT really bothers me. So words of affirmation because I care that my loved ones view me with the same respect that I view them.
The topic really is interesting and I had a few of my friends take the quiz along with the two I mentioned earlier to be able to better understand them. Most of them got quality time which makes sense because they tend to want to go places and do things with their friends all the time. The others got words of affirmation which is nice to know just because I really could work on complimenting them more in general especially if I see they are having a bad day. If anyone wants to take this google 5 languages of love test and it should be one of the first things to pop up.
WARNING NEGATIVE POST
Life has been better but today has been so incredibly horrid. I was so exhausted when I woke up that I barely made it to school and on top of that am sore from winter guard. my bus broke down on the way home and we had to wait for a new one and if that wasn't bad enough I came home to my challenging grandmother who completely rearranged and snooped through my room. None of this bothered me quite as much as the speech our guard director gave during class today.
He was tired when he came in and taught us new work but expected us to remember all of it when we had only seen him do it once. I have the WORST memory so of course I instantly forgot it and could do maybe a full count of the work. After seeing us fail so miserably he ranted about how we aren't trying and we don't want to get better.
This is not the case. If only speaking for me I LOVE color guard like a sibling. There are good and bad days but I have been doing it for seven years regardless. To hear that he thinks we don't want to be here really bothers me and I feel like he looks down on me and other returning members just because we learn slowly and like to perfect our work before doing it full out. This is a crummy way to spend senior year when it could be so amazing. I am not here to win trophies rather I can't tear myself away from the people. This is the last year I've got and I want it to be without a single regret. I'm probably going to talk to our director about it tomorrow but I hope he doesn't blow me off like he tends to do.
He was tired when he came in and taught us new work but expected us to remember all of it when we had only seen him do it once. I have the WORST memory so of course I instantly forgot it and could do maybe a full count of the work. After seeing us fail so miserably he ranted about how we aren't trying and we don't want to get better.
This is not the case. If only speaking for me I LOVE color guard like a sibling. There are good and bad days but I have been doing it for seven years regardless. To hear that he thinks we don't want to be here really bothers me and I feel like he looks down on me and other returning members just because we learn slowly and like to perfect our work before doing it full out. This is a crummy way to spend senior year when it could be so amazing. I am not here to win trophies rather I can't tear myself away from the people. This is the last year I've got and I want it to be without a single regret. I'm probably going to talk to our director about it tomorrow but I hope he doesn't blow me off like he tends to do.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Peace
These last few days I have been so at peace. I got over a guy i knew was wrong for me and people keep saying it couldn't have just happened overnight but it did. I care deeply for this person even still but when you take a step back and see that none of this high school stuff matters and years from now he will just be a fond memory that I call every once in a while just to talk to makes everything now seem so small.
The problems of today are different than that of tomorrow or next year. It has no meaning other than what you take from it. Peace spreads. I never realised that my mindset really affected others but they have been so happy and un-offended just because my mood lightened theirs. Even the most stressed and negative people I know have been smiling and handling other people with more care simply because of shared laughs.
When i was younger I always imagined I would be a beautiful, loving, and loved teenager who knew everything and sought out knowledge and God daily. Though the setting of my expectations changed and I went through all sorts of depression; I believe I achieved this. Though i have never dated or partied or whatever, I am loved by those I didn't ever expect. Today I couldn't ask for better friends or circumstances and though things will continue to change I am confidant in those I confide in knowing they will always be there. What better peace exists?
The problems of today are different than that of tomorrow or next year. It has no meaning other than what you take from it. Peace spreads. I never realised that my mindset really affected others but they have been so happy and un-offended just because my mood lightened theirs. Even the most stressed and negative people I know have been smiling and handling other people with more care simply because of shared laughs.
When i was younger I always imagined I would be a beautiful, loving, and loved teenager who knew everything and sought out knowledge and God daily. Though the setting of my expectations changed and I went through all sorts of depression; I believe I achieved this. Though i have never dated or partied or whatever, I am loved by those I didn't ever expect. Today I couldn't ask for better friends or circumstances and though things will continue to change I am confidant in those I confide in knowing they will always be there. What better peace exists?
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
self pressure
Some of my current friends at school in the colorguard are a lot different from me. I still love them just as much as I would if they believed all the things I do but recently I have been questioning their faith and moral standards in general.
If you are anything like me the idea of dating, parties, and just about anything that might be morally compromising seems utterly terrifying. Well God put me to the test yesterday and I failed miserably. So there is this game that is pretty similar to spin the bottle as far as the rules go and if a boy rolls a boy then they kiss them and vice versa for girls. I was asked to a party and told we would be playing this and might play it on the bus to a competition.
I obviously declined but in the moment the idea of friends getting to know each other better in this way seemed intriguing. It took me all day to make a solid decision on whether or not to give in to this, though I did decline.
It wasn't until this morning when I found a video that basically slapped me in the face bringing me back to reality. This lifestyle may be popular and expected but that does not excuse it from depravity by any means. If I did this idiotic game with a guy who considered himself gay then could i really defend Christianity knowing i had a 6'6 peice of plywood in my contacts? The popularity gained really seemed unimportant and i can't begin to explain how relieved i was at coming to this conclusion with the help of the vigilant christian on youtube.
The worst bit is how long it took me to get to that point when I KNEW better. I KNOW it is wrong and i KNOW that if thats what it takes to stay friends with them then it is SO not worth depriving myself from God's truth. I will not however make that mistake twice.
If you are anything like me the idea of dating, parties, and just about anything that might be morally compromising seems utterly terrifying. Well God put me to the test yesterday and I failed miserably. So there is this game that is pretty similar to spin the bottle as far as the rules go and if a boy rolls a boy then they kiss them and vice versa for girls. I was asked to a party and told we would be playing this and might play it on the bus to a competition.
I obviously declined but in the moment the idea of friends getting to know each other better in this way seemed intriguing. It took me all day to make a solid decision on whether or not to give in to this, though I did decline.
It wasn't until this morning when I found a video that basically slapped me in the face bringing me back to reality. This lifestyle may be popular and expected but that does not excuse it from depravity by any means. If I did this idiotic game with a guy who considered himself gay then could i really defend Christianity knowing i had a 6'6 peice of plywood in my contacts? The popularity gained really seemed unimportant and i can't begin to explain how relieved i was at coming to this conclusion with the help of the vigilant christian on youtube.
The worst bit is how long it took me to get to that point when I KNEW better. I KNOW it is wrong and i KNOW that if thats what it takes to stay friends with them then it is SO not worth depriving myself from God's truth. I will not however make that mistake twice.
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