Vegan

After visiting a world conscious friend and watching countless netflix documentaries I feel veganism is a decent idea. Not only does this lifestyle help animals, but workers and myself as well. Of course animals will not lose their lives for my plate but the farmers who are harmed by the antibiotics fed to their animals are helped too. As more meat is removed from someones diet their chance of heart problems and cancer also plummets. It just makes sense. After going vegan for three weeks the cravings for meat and animal products decreases and plants fill their place. Though overwhelming at first this choice is not so bad at all in fact all of the nutrients we need are given more freely. Who knew potatoes and broccoli had protein? It is certainly not something they tell you at school.

If anyone wants some tips and tricks for getting past the hardest days I have thought of a list for you to get you started.

1. Target is your new best friend. While many stores do not offer vegan products in their frozen section, Target has loads of options and a little section in the freezer aisle for those of us living 30 minutes from a whole foods.

2. Mistakes are normal. If you like I do live with other people it can be hard to plan your own meals and remember to check the labels. If you do make a mistake don't give up as no one is perfect especially at the beginning.

3. Get lazy vegan foods. If your mom does your shopping ask for those frozen vegetables you can microwave and eat in five minutes. Not every meal has to be gourmet and take an hour or more to make. Personally I don't have time or space for cooking my own tofu so these vegetables and canned beans are the bomb.

4. Have an array of portable snack food. When all of your friends want to go out for burger king or olive garden you have your pack of salted edamame and a bag of raisins to hold you over. It is far easier to not eat meat if you carry around other options. Even shakes are good really.

5. Make a small list of the reasons you want to go vegan. This will help you when you are seconds away from having a slice of turkey with your family on thanksgiving. For me veganism is what I want because cancer and heart disease run in my family so lowering the chances is a bonus. Saving animals and helping small businesses and pretty much saving the world is also pretty dang cool.

Health

Recently I returned from an enlightening trip to my best friend's home in Abilene Texas. While I was there several things became noticeable. Her home is incredibly clean thanks to the small bits of time she regularly uses to tend to it. While there I drank mostly soda and ate mostly fast food due to both of our budgets. Somehow my acne completely cleared and my sleep patterns returned to normal. The aches and pains in my body including migraines and chronic depression vanished. 

On arriving home after this two week break my face instantly broke out, my sleeping patterns went down the drain, and my depression skyrocketed. These things were not anticipated by me rather I was ready to be with family and pets after being gone. The reality I faced was much more grim. My parents were fighting over little things. My father bothered me about my period as if it were something disgusting and unnatural. My brother begged me for help studying as my parents neglected his needs. I was further reminded that I was the screw up of the family, the one who took a semester out of college to figure out my goals to find that jobs are nearly impossible to find and colleges are difficult to apply to when you have never been taught yet need to do these things on your own. I thought my acne disappeared because of the dry Abilene weather but now that looks doubtful. 

How do you escape disabling stress when the cause is the people who support you? Other than seeking professional help alone or leaving these people there really is no other way. The state many people live in is similar if not worse and this is doubled by dietary issues and work stress. People do not eat the way they should, act the way they should, or take care of their priorities properly. I think back to the story of Cinderella. Growing up I thought she was so stupid to serve them instead of leaving but I get it now. Living in a society where people without a degree cannot afford to leave home and are often forced to live with a toxic family makes sense to me now like never before. No is never a no in these families and each child is expected to drop everything just to be considered a failure in the parents eyes. 

To cope I came up with a few tips for anyone who wants them. Firstly say no to ridiculous demands and chores. It is insane to think that a child is expected to do all of the family laundry and dishes while going to school and supporting a parents business along with other responsibilities while parents go to fun self help classes and work only. Secondly politely ask not to hear about financial and family problems. A kid cannot be expected to be healthy when they are their parents therapist especially if the parents complain about other children to them. This is so unhealthy for the youth of a family and should be eliminated at all costs. Third save up any money to leave without telling the parents or guardians. If you have parents like mine they will rob you for every cent you have if you let them. These parents pay the bare minimum while you are expected to provide food, toiletries, and clothing for yourself and them on a regular basis. Letting them know you are saving money to leave will alert them to the fact that their work slave and therapist is trying to leave. A thought they most probably will despise. 

I hope this helps anyone who needs it. No christian family should have these problems and they are a sign of disfunction. The fruits of the spirit should be present in a family structure not the other way around.

Storybook

I think a lot about what my story will be. Everyone has one yet finding it can be really difficult. The kind of story you want to tell your children when you have them is the story I mean. With every day you are in fact a writer so then which story do we tell? It can be a story of overcoming life's obstacles or one of defeat giving up dreams and opportunities through your life. This last year has been really difficult for me. I've had a friend pass on and a relationship that meant a lot to me end. I quit college for a semester and spent time dealing with crippling anorexia and depression. After all of this I can't help but feel that God has more for me than hurt and sadness. He has saved my life on more than one occasion and in more than one way but why. I have little to offer. I have no money to give to the poor,  no degree to help people with through a job, and I have no one to support or support me. What can I do is a question I ask myself daily. The thing is God uses the least likely of people. Moses was no public speaker and he lead God's people through the desert. Joseph was the youngest kid and after becoming a jailbird and a slave he was put second in command of Egypt. David, Mary, Ruth, Paul, and countless others were chosen out of some misfortune or odd circumstance. In the story planned for me I can't help but feel that God will overcome my dragons. Even though I can't fight circumstances on my own God slays them in my place for His will. What better knight is there than God. That is the story I want my kids to hear. Not one of my own victories but the one of God in my life. Nothing else is really important.

Autumn!!!

I swear every time the wind blows I feel the need to get spooky. Fall has never been my favorite season but this year I am absolutely psyched to get the leaves off the trees. After many trips to target I have turned my room into an autumn wonderland. I literally bought leaves to throw around my bedroom. So I thought I would list some fall essentials for anyone who is as excited for this season as me.


One of the best things I did was fill mason jars my mom had with potpourri.  It smells amazing and looks incredibly tumblr-esk. Besides potpourri is super cheap and you can use decorative bowls or plates too. It's just really nice and pinecones look like fall. Mine also has sparkly mini pumpkins in it.

The second thing I've been loving for autumn is my marshmallow fireside candle from Bath and Body Works. It smells so good and the throw is awesome. I can literally smell it thirty feet away in a different room. It by far is not the only candle of mine from there as I have six not including wall scents and room sprays from there. There is just something about burning a candle that makes me feel like cold weather has arrived.

Lastly I bought some fall throw pillows. One is just a navy gingham print and it is actually so soft and my favorite. The second one says hello fall in gold and navy on a kind of canvas base still soft but not as much. They were both on sale for five dollars each with is a crazy good deal. They really tie the whole room together and are nice to watch videos and write on.

All of these things among many many others are the things that really remind me of autumn. All of this is despite the 100 degree heat with a slight breeze every couple of days. Anyways happy fall :)

A Job Title

Recently I have really been struggling with something. If God gave me all these spiritual gifts then what am I supposed to do with them. Isn't there some way to incorporate all my gifts into the workplace? I don't want to screw up getting a teaching degree just to find myself trying for medicine next. This has always been a problem for me you see growing up I changed my mind regularly on what I might be when I grew up. The possibilities then seemed endless whereas now I know how much time and effort that I won't enjoy goes into each job. Getting a college degree is expensive and jobs like lawyer and nurse are quickly becoming expensive. Growing up all I could see myself doing was getting married, keeping up the home, and having children of my own one day. That seemed like a dream come true but I quickly learned that society today has no place for a domestic woman. If I wanted to succeed in this world I would need a degree and a high paying job.

I am no good at math so that basically counts out all science and math degrees. English and History are something I loved as a kid but as an adult I struggle with writing long papers and history pays next to nothing. There isn't much left for a girl who only really likes fashion and interior design mixed with child rearing and theoretical physics. Nothing would feel right for me if I can't use my creative style as well as my intellect. So where does God want me? Why is this so hard for me to figure out when I have so many God given talents?

In the garden of eden God gave Adam a specific job. He was to name and care for the animals and plants. He was presumably pretty awesome at his job too especially without sin in the world. Eve was made to keep him company and assist him in his work. He trusted her very much and the garden was kept up. They were happy in the world God made for them.

In our time with all the sin in the world its no wonder we can't figure out what to do. With the end of that goodness in eden we are unable to see a world without sin. In God's plan each one of us does have a specific job. One that we will do incredibly well in His perfect heaven. Until then I suppose we have to wait. Finding a perfect job will nearly never happen as something in this world will always keep us wanting more, however fulfilling God's purpose for our lives is something we can do. He calls each one of us to spread His love and truth to this world. It is something he gave us gifts to help us along the way. Not only are these gifts a mix of superpowers specific to each person but they are something that He gives with time and prayer. We are able to cast out demons in His name and perform miracles to please God. The gifts He gives may be more specific in some than others, but each serves its purpose. To the people who knew what they wanted to be from a young age it may just be that their gift is so strong in them that the others seem nonexistent. They knew that their gift of teaching or nursing or whatever would guide them on God's path one day. For everyone else, your specific gifts are made to fill a need that someone without those many insights could do alone. Someone with creativity and leadership may guide someone with leadership only to follow a straighter path than they could alone.

God has purpose for us all and it will be shown in His time if we glorify Him along the way trusting that His will is the best thing there is.

Therapy!!!

So today was my second day of therapy. It sucked. Not like it was too much I don't know maybe I don't get along with her I can't tell. I got in there and we talked about how college classes nowadays were far too hard for kids. For an hour. If I wanted to pay to talk about school I would do it on here for free. No something must be wrong with me. Why am I just sad all the time. Is everyone just this sad as an adult and I am just handling it like a pansy. ARE WE ALL THIS SAD? There has GOT to be a reason I am not mad at my ex at all. He only stole my virginity and left after intending to do that since the moment he met me. Actually not mad more like hope he has a good life hope he starts going to church and seeing his friends more... Why? Tell me therapist is this something deeply rooted in my childhood that I can fix with intent and understanding? Being on anti-depressants helps but I can feel myself being sad under the anti-depressant covers. Like being inside in a bathroom with no windows and hearing rain outside. Still upset just happy about it. I guess. Depression is weird like why did I have to go through a twelve year old awkward goth phase where I cried myself to sleep every night to evanescence but twelve year olds now look like they are twenty five with their makeup and fashionable clothes and hair extensions. I don't even look nineteen and I am that old. Are they just the next stage of humans who don't get depressed because they will never be ugly? Thats the real reason I am in therapy I need my questions answered.

New Things!!

Recently I have made a few changes as the fall starts rolling in. My best friend Angela reminded me of all the things she has done and inspired me to write about mine as well. In the last month a good friend of mine died. I was very depressed at the end and shortly after this tragic occurrence and my parents who saw my misery decided it was time to get some help. I am currently on anti-depressants and see a therapist every Wednesday. The pills have really helped so far and I can sleep through the night too which also helps. Tomorrow is my second visit to the therapist and I am very much looking forward to it.


My doctor suggested that I take a sleeping pill before bed and wait an hour for it to take effect. I took advantage of this and started reading or writing to wind down. Quiet time has been incredibly peaceful and until now I didn't realize how much I really missed reading. In my room I have a full hour to myself for whatever I choose and it has helped my sleeping patterns as much as it has helped my ever changing mood.



As Autumn is rolling around soon I took some time for retail therapy and bought things I felt would truly improve my day to day life. I bought new candles and car scents from bath and body works. I got some new books (for my nightly readings). I even went as far as to start decorating so when I come home from work there is an inviting fall room to just be at peace in. With a few leaves hanged on pictures, lamps, and tables I have a fall bedroom. My dad bought me a chord so now I can charge my phone from my loft without my computer. As the season changes I feel that I should do the same.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

her

Boys really can be awful. They can be stubborn, insensitive, and even downright cruel. For someone who has only been in one, terrible relationship it became clear after the humbling breakup that the bad boyfriend that I had would one day treat some poor girl the way he had treated me. Now he is with someone else so quickly after our breakup and from what I have heard she is not as nice as I was to him. I pray that she leaves before she finds herself in tears after a phone conversation that broke her heart. I want her gone before he doesn't bring her flowers and chocolate on valentines day. I want her to leave before he steals her virginity. I want her to get out before he promises a lifetime to her because he will break it. And most of all I want him to grow up and understand what he has done even knowing that it was a sinking ship from the start. Boys will tell you when you break up that they aren't ready for a relationship even an easy one where you buy him gifts and visit him when he's sick but thats not quite it. True it was probably never you. You probably never did anything wrong or asked for too much but it may possibly never be enough. The truth is he was too immature. He was too ready to ditch something amazing for someone else and that is the worst thing you could do to a person who gave so much to just be with you. He might say that friendship is an option as you were good friends before but then his rare texts will sound distant and then angry. He will be lost from you and in a place where the feelings and moments you shared are just a memory. You'll hope for a day where you can meet and have a casual conversation in a year or ten, because right now if you are going somewhere you can bet he'll avoid it. You'll want to know if he is just upset about losing you which is also what you'll convince yourself of or if he really hates you. He would never tell you. He won't care if you suffer. Holding your head high you will feel all these emotions but maybe if you are strong you will pray every night that someone will fix him. You'll pray that he finds someone to love and that all the goodness in the world will come to him hoping only to be able to fall asleep without nightmares of him. After all these awful things and after his friends telling you that "he didn't know what he had" and how awful that was, you might be able to pray for him. And in that moment you will have won. You will have become better. When he only wanted hatred for you somehow you survived and rose above that deplorable place that he finds himself in. And in fact you will want the same thing for him. Sometimes pain and hurt make way for someone better. Sometimes you find yourself. And when you are low every good deed seems beautiful and important. This boy that hurt you and told you forever will not define your life no matter how much he harmed you and no matter how long he told you that forever was possible. Your dreams will come and go. They will change but the memory of him sticks to you like a stain that will never wash out. Let those memories fuel you to be better than him. Let them teach you how to find what you are looking for. No one will do it for you. And I just want her to know that so when it is all over and he is gone, she will not be the one left in the dirt with a shattered heart. Boys can be awful. But there is good and it will find you one day when he is a memory. You will be free and your time with him only a lesson.

Bible Heroes

I remember when i was little and I prayed to be wise like Solomon did. I don't mean little like ten or eleven years old I mean like three. Needless to say God has indeed provided wisdom and we should be careful what we ask for. This memory has me thinking now though about who my hero is. Which Bible hero do I seek to be like the most aside from the obvious Jesus? Jonah probably isn't the best pick and Jacob really had his issues. They all have trials but I think how the big three handle them are the most intriguing.

Ruth is amazing. If you don't know her story read it over. She basically lost everything when she was very young including her husband and her mother in law was left alone. That is except for Ruth who stayed by her side instead of getting married again or finding someone else to live with who could support her. Despite her grief over her husband she worked to sustain her mother in law who's religion and culture was different from hers. They moved to a place where God provided for her a rich husband who saw her work ethic and thought wow she really must have love in her heart to do all of this. He fed Ruth and her mother in law for a good while from his own supply of wheat before asking the incredibly obedient Ruth to marry him. God provided for her so much and had a plan for her she just had to wait and see.

Then there's Joseph. He got bullied by his family even his dad who made him a colorful coat. He was beaten and thrown in a hole for doing what his parents told him. By his own brothers. The day they sold him into slavery he forgave them before the sun went down. I'm sure he still thought about it but being angry wasn't worth his energy which he would need. Through God's grace he was promoted to the head of the household in a rich mans home for working so hard and with such skill. He was accused of rape which he did not do and thrown in jail. After all these things he did to follow the rules he ends up in jail. That bites right. But he made the best of it and not only thanks God but thrives even in prison. He gets out because God allowed him to interpret a dream. The pharaoh needs a guy like that and by that time he prevented starvation during a drought and became second in charge of Egypt. So slave to second in charge. God even reunites him with his family who was saved along with the entire Egyptian population and anyone else around. Pretty big stuff for a guy who used to herd sheep.

Lastly Moses. A Hebrew baby born under strict pagan rule. Much like today it would seem as if he was doomed from the start. While we have bad education, bad food, and a pagan society out to kill us he had a pagan society literally throwing Hebrew babies into the Nile river to be consumed by crocodiles. God brought his basket to the pharaohs wife who raised Moses as her own child with the help of his birth mother as a diaper changer which was lucky for the time. He grew in the palace and saw the suffering of his people. One day it became too much and he murdered an Egyptian man who was punishing a Hebrew slave. He ran to the desert. Here God blessed him and he repented. He was told that he would save these people. He did even after complaining about it. God worked miracles on Egypt and His people were freed. God allowed Moses to perform miracles and to see his raw glory as much as any human could. God showed him his cloak and Moses' face glowed with God's light but he had to climb the mountain first. Before he could part the red sea he had to face pharaoh like God had commanded. He had to lead his people and when Moses did things out of anger which he struggled with God punished him. He died before he could reach Canaan.

Out of these three favourites I am probably the most like Moses. He had all of these sins and flaws to overcome. He even had a speech impediment. I would like to say that the other two stories are things I aspire to. Having faith like that without seeing any proof until the end. Seeing things you love ripped away from you after you worked so hard to achieve them. I'm sure Ruth really loved her husband. Having him gone and hoping God would bring a Boaz one day like he did years later without giving up hope is so amazing to me. Joseph had worked so hard despite his circumstances. He was bullied and dad still loved him best but that got taken away along with the fancy slave job and the high prison position. It was only in the end when he was allowed the full reward God had been saving just for him. I don't think I could ever be like them but I know what it's like to have the people you love leave in an instant. These blessings that God shows to these people are all that can help me through it. One day His mercies and promises will be rewarded to me for being faithful in times of hurt and joy just as they were to Ruth and Joseph. As for Moses, to glow with God's light would be the best thing to ever happen. It would mean His presence and love all in a glance. It would be like what I'm missing everyday from the garden. It is all I could ever want. So I suppose he is my favourite.

Spiritual Rape

This topic is something that most people don't realize is even happening. I don't really know if God has just given me a special insight to see the spiritual quality of other people and that of myself but I know it isn't something that is just me. Even as a kid I felt a bad sort of gut feeling I couldn't explain when the new pastor arrived at our church. We don't go there anymore as he kicked us out after preaching the Bible falsely. God really looks out for us that way I guess always letting us know when things are about to go sour.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up and at the time I didn't really see all that had happened but it actually helps me a lot and if anyone else is going through something I pray it helps you. You see we hadn't been fighting. The only thing we fought about was going to church which I know should have been an alarm in my head but I believed that I should be able to bring him closer to God by showing him God's love. Thats what I did since before we started dating to far after the breakup but there was one problem. The problem was my pride. The idea that it was my job to save him was an issue because thats God's job not mine I only felt obligated because we weren't as equally yolked as we should have been. Sure he believes in God but he doesn't follow Him and it isn't up to me to change that. Because of these thoughts I really drew away from church. I felt like if I couldn't save him then God really wouldn't use me or that maybe He was just done with me. I am only eighteen obviously that is not true.

There was also one other night when we were outside my house talking and I was begging him to go to church with me even though I knew he hated it. He just kept changing the subject and I don't remember the words exactly but something he said came across in such a hurtful and humanistic manner. He wouldn't go for me or anyone else not even for God because he was more important to himself. I guess I looked pretty upset but the look on his face was just wrong. When he reached out to console me I couldn't even let him near me. I really felt an evil presence that night and since that night we had serious problems until the end of our relationship.

A few nights before the breakup I dreamt of us breaking up and I woke up in tears. It may have just been fear but it felt prophetic to me. God knows us better than we know ourselves and for each minute I truly believe He was telling me not to go any further because I needed to guard more than my heart I need to guard my spirit too. Spiritual rape is a term I use that means we didn't choose it. In the garden Eve chose the apple. She chose to have the knowledge that she didn't really want thrust upon her. Spiritual rape is different. It hurts you in a way that sin can't. It happens when people you put time and care and all of your heart into are constantly being influenced by satan and you always get the brunt of it. It comes in a moment when you feel your heart sink and your stomach cave in. You don't feel safe you feel instead terrified and far from God at least for a second. You know Satan's game he wants you to give in and say you are sorry for being a dedicated Christian and serving God. He wants you to deny Christ. Spiritual rape is when you should have sinned but you didn't though that doesn't make you feel better because you will always remember that feeling of deep betrayal from someone you thought you could trust. A pastor. A boyfriend. A parent. A sibling. A friend. My mom is going through it now with my grandmother's alzheimer's. She swears at my mom and curses her name accusing her of all sorts of atrocities while my mom sits there and takes it. Everyone in my close family feels she is possessed. When we visit her and she is normal her voice is high pitched and she is very talkative. When she is what we can only explain as possessed her voice is deep, she swears like a sailor, she knows things she should't, and it takes five male nurses to hold a small old lady down for sedation. Maybe it's medical but my parents fight when she calls. She calls at odd times like right before a busy or important day at work for my mom. Spiritual rape is something that I think tests us all maybe some more than others but God carries us and keeps us safe through it all. When I look back at my relationships and my sins because of them I think why did I ever want the apple when I could have had the garden. How selfish of me. God wants me anyway. That always helps me no matter how far I have fallen down He is always there to pick me back up and put me back together again.

Bulimia

I have been having a lot of medical problems lately and I think I have finally found the cause. I think I am bulimic. I knew I was going through some severe depression, heart, and issues with recurring migraines. These things can all be explained by the bulimic disorder and it would explain a lot. The migraines tend to go away when I am out all day because I eat a very very small breakfast those days and if I can stomach it lunch and the heart problem I mentioned is low blood pressure which causes the body to become cold and tired due to the lack of food energy. Let me make it clear that I do not think I am fat or skinny I really couldn't care less about my body image I think it's just my mind's way of shutting me down slowly. Even in primary school I remember throwing food away because I couldn't eat everything my mom packed for me. The idea of downing a whole sandwich along with a pack of chips, apples, carrots,  and cookies in thirty minutes way back then terrified me so I would eat the cookies and give what I could away or trash it. My parents would go on diets and I would see how miserable they were while I was forced to eat something I didn't like every day until my plate was clean and then have some more. As a small kid who didn't like a lot of food, eating steak and pork chops was repulsive especially when my arms were too small and uncoordinated to work a knife. By the time I was in middle school my cafeteria finally sold candy and soda so all I would eat for lunch was a hershey bar and a coke for lunch mom still packed lunch but it literally repulsed me. Today my dad came home at four and asked me if I had been in bed all day. I had because as he knew I was sick and depressed but I hadn't eaten anything either and I wasn't hungry. I knew I should eat and shower again before I went back to bed so I went to get up and my blood pressure dropped and I started feeling a hundred times worse. My hair falls out and I am losing weight. When I eat I eat a lot and not healthy food most of the time. I think if I could enjoy food and life things would be better. If I feel well enough to get up and make myself food I am likely to make food I like and eat a lot of it. I suppose that goes for anything but it's hard when I am by myself all day or I don't have money to do the things I'd like but how do I break out of this when the holidays are over and everyone is at work? My antisocial tendencies and need for change due to financial struggle of the late keep me from joining church groups and clubs in fear of leaving as soon as I get comfortable there. Some rash decision must be the answer but I'll be at the doctor tomorrow so who knows.

Love Like Jesus

I love you. This phrase is so overused that it almost can't even be taken seriously. When most people say it they only want to manipulate for their own good. Men will use these words to get physical satisfaction while women might use it to get a guy to stay when neither of them want the relationship.

This phrase when used by me means so much more. When I say, "I love you" I don't just miss you when you aren't around. I would die for you. When these words escape my thoughts they are true and real and do not fade with the snap of your fingers. Breaking my devotion for a person is a very difficult process and only comes with a deep sense of betrayal or a gradual decline in interaction due to the others in my life. This does not come easily for me and typically this sort of break takes over two years.

There has only been one time where the change of mind has come quickly. This occurred when a "friend" betrayed someone very close to me, my boyfriend, and myself. Not only had this person stolen a friend from me but they had treated them so roughly that I could do nothing but defend them. I do not take well to betrayal not for my own sake but in the lives of those I care for. I had been maltreated by this person for years but I have never minded until she got those important to me involved.

When I say I love you it is the love Jesus had for me. I was always taught to reflect His love in everything I did. Loving my enemies is a place to start. I do this and more however if these people refuse to see the wrong that they have done and justify themselves as if they are more important than anything else I must reject them. These people are toxic to be around. I love you to me means I would die for you and I cannot imagine my life without you in it. This applies to family, friends, and other half. When they do things that put themselves in danger I feel the worry that they may not be around so deeply. Little things to my friends that they say or do can become incredibly hurtful because of this. Jesus loved me first and everyone else. If He loves them how arrogant would I be not to do the same even if it hurts.

Online Cat Calling

You know it is a shame that a person who has never posted one obscene picture can be labeled a whore by random men. I use social media like instagram all the time and recently have been trying to get more followers to attract views to my artwork. Not my boobs. Assuming they WERE bigger I do not wear clothing that displays my body in a revealing way. This is not just because I am religious but because I have more respect for myself and the ones who raised me. Despite these facts I like many other women am constantly bombarded with starting remarks such as "you are so beautiful" only to quickly turn into a conversation about how I must have a small vagina, or just about how horny he is after telling him multiple times about how happy I was in my current relationship. This upsets me mostly because my instagram and other social media is mostly made up of my opinions and art that I have made. Rather than commenting on the things I have done (more recently might I add) these guys can only talk about what their penis is telling them to talk about. This makes them pretty easy to spot but then again it is still a compliment and as I do not intend to be impolite I say thank you anyhow.

Not even talking about my boyfriend would throw these guys off. I gave an impossible penis size just because it was rude of him to ask and if that weren't enough there are pictures of my boyfriend featured on my page. These guys never get the hint though after all of this at least half of them have the guts to ask for my friends numbers. Not if they would be interested in a hookup or dating or anything just a demand for their information. As if demeaning me to get themselves off isn't enough they have the gall to bring people I care about into that equation. I do not post workout selfies with just the workout bra on or swimsuit pictures. I am always fully clothed. Is it that women are not allowed to look nice in pictures without being materialized. The majority of the men who do this specifically to me live in other countries so far away I would never meet them. How dare they ask me such personal questions. My virginity, cup size, cell number, penis preference really is none of their business.

The thing is I am not rude. I understand that these lonely sons of slugs will probably never be truly happy in their relationships because they do things like this. That being said when this happens to me I give them the same advice I would give a friend. I tell it like it is. I HAVE a boyfriend and our relationship is in great condition. It is 4 AM my friends are ASLEEP and even if they weren't they are also in happy RELATIONSHIPS (if not with their boys or with God then with me keeping them safe from these creepers). If you are SO DESPERATE to get your rocks off then go to a completely consensual website where pornstars get paid to do that for you when you decide to dehumanize women at 4 AM Texas time. Thank you for liking my pictures and following feel free to subscribe to my youtube channel.

When God Moves

There are so many people who have never felt the presence of God. They either have never gone to church or have abandoned it to fulfill their own Sunday morning wishes. Recently I have really seen God moving in my life and in the lives around me. Fellowship with other Christians is so important and yet there often is no where for people my age to feel comfortable.

My church home abandoned me and my family as I was just learning what it meant to be an adult. We have struggled to find a place where we all feel comfortable since. My parents being older are looking for a community church where they can make some friends their own age while my brother is trying to find a really contemporary church with his high school friends. I just want to find a place where I can feel truly accepted as most people don't count me as an adult and being in college I tend to move around a lot.

God has answered so many of my prayers in the last few months. He has removed some of the most toxic people from my life and given me the most wonderful people I could ask for. I'm sure I am not alone when I say that my boyfriend would rather sleep in than go to church. This has been difficult for me because as a Christian God calls us both to serve His church and going to church is a good start. He feels as if he would have nothing to offer the church even if he did go. He only really likes sports and most churches aren't big on that. My boyfriend has been so supportive with my recent health problems and general high maintenance that he must be sent from God and I can't help but feel like something is wrong if we aren't at church to thank Him for it. With all the things we have done against God is it so difficult to give up an hour or so on a Sunday morning to spend with the church.

It seems as if every day Satan works so hard against us and Sunday is the only day many of us even have time to receive battle plans to fight back. How in the world must we be before we fall on our faces before God. Must we be beaten, bruised, sick, and tortured like Job before we get out of bed and shake hands with the Christian from down the street on a Sunday morning. Is it so bad. If we all made Him our priority these things would be our first nature while sin took a backseat. You can't live in the world and in sin if you are constantly living in and for God.

What if church wasn't about you looking good or feeling something? What if church was about healing the sick and injured? What if when you were sick you went to church instead of the hospital? What would happen if we let drunks in without a second thought along with prostitutes and everything in between? Jesus did just that and we are to be like Him. If a person who is in Christ can't feel comfortable in a church how could someone so different. No one should have to fit into a mold. You have a swearing problem well we have a tithing jar for that. If anything we should bring in the tattoo artists. We could always use more that say Jesus saves. The church is there to heal the sins we have committed because we are all sinners. Most of us just feel better about hiding ours. Why can't everyone feel like they have a place in the church? When God moves so many beautiful things can be done and this world needs Him so desperately. If our churches would only give Him some space I'm sure His church would simply dance.